The Biggest Factor in the Quality of Your Relationship

by | May 11, 2015 | Couples

If you had to guess, what do you think would be the biggest factor in how couples rate the quality of their relationship? If you guessed ‘the number of disagreements or fights a couple has,’ that would be a pretty good guess, but it is incorrect. The most important predictor of relationship quality is whether each partner feels the other is emotionally responsive to them. By emotionally responsive, I mean: whether you feel your partner is attuned to, and cares about, what you are going through and is ‘there’ for you. In the following article, “Hold Me Tight,” Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), elaborates on why this type of responsiveness is so important, and how the lack responsiveness underlies the distress that couples experience. One of the most important points that Johnson raises is that as human beings we all have a “wired in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others.” This emotional contact, and the relationship bonds that result from such contact, are part of an evolutionary program that greatly enhanced survival rates in humans. If I become bonded to you, then your well-being is connected to my well-being and we will help each other in times of need. We ‘have each other’s backs,’ which makes both of us more secure. In turn, if we feel our connection with a loved one is threatened, our brains are programmed to respond with a feeling of panic. Our sense of security is threatened and often we react impulsively and defensively. For example, a wife comes home and her husband is watching TV....