What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger- How Trauma Can Lead to Transformation

Everyone hopes to avoid the worst life has to offer—illness, loss and violence.  Unfortunately, very few of us get through unscathed. These events inevitably cause great suffering, but they can also be a catalyst for positive change. Therapists who work with trauma survivors have long observed and accepted this notion, but research scientists are now more seriously exploring the phenomenon. The phrase “post-traumatic growth” was coined by psychologists Richard Tedeshi and Lawrence Calhoun, who asked over 600 survivors how trauma changed their lives. Most reported negative effects. But to their surprise, a majority also reported positive outcomes. They described improved sense of self, deeper interpersonal relationships and a reorientation toward more fulfilling goals. This does not mean that trauma is not also destructive and distressing. When life’s challenges come to call, our first thought is rarely, “How can I grow from this?” In the face of seemingly insurmountable struggle and pain, most of us will naturally respond, “How will I survive this?” or even, “Do I want to?” Perhaps the most encouraging discovery about post-traumatic growth is that optimism is not a requirement; a relief given that it can feel impossible, irritating or triggering to be told to focus on the positive after a traumatic experience. Indeed, as Tedeshi and Calhoun write in The Handbook of Post-Traumatic Growth, Research and Practice, “the struggle to find new meaning in the aftermath of the trauma is crucial to positive psychological growth, as well as the acceptance that personal distress and growth can coexist, and often do, while these new meanings are crafted” (Tedeschi & Calhoun 2006). Trauma survivors who experience post-traumatic...

There’s No ‘Getting Over’ Grief—It Has Its Own Timetable

In our culture, death and grieving happen behind closed doors. We will all experience the death of a close loved one in our lives—and yet, the thought makes us deeply uncomfortable. We’d rather brush it aside until we have no choice in the matter. When the day finally comes, our grief is very real, present, and can be devastating. It is not simply something one “gets over” or moves through easily. There is no right way to deal with grief. Everyone grieves, yes, but everyone grieves in their own way. Along with less tangible responses like sadness, anger, and painful memories, grieving can also include physical symptoms, like difficulty sleeping and loss of appetite. Those experiencing the most intense forms of grief may even undergo neuropsychological changes affecting memory or regulation of emotions. Put simply, hiding from grief does not ease its passage. In a culture that does so little to prepare us for grief, the first step is to recognize it has a valuable part to play in death. Grief is a healthy psychological response to loss. In her recent article, “When Grief Won’t Relent” Jane Brody writes, “Grief is a normal human reaction, not a disease, and there is no one right way to get through it.” And this is where therapy can help. Therapy can normalize grief—in a cultural context where it may seem anything but normal—and it can provide a safe place to talk when no one else can or will. Ultimately, grief has its own timetable, but by opening space to grieve, we can deepen our experience and lean in when things are hardest....

On Obergefell v. Hodges and mental health…

Although the Supreme Court ruling on Obergefell v. Hodges occurred nearly a month ago, I still find myself thinking about the decision every day. When I first read that the right to marry now extended to all people in all states, I felt elated and a bit like I was dreaming. The spirit of celebration that followed was affirming, cathartic, beautiful. I thought of those whose collective suffering led to this movement. I thought of children who could now be born into a norm of marriage equality. And, I thought about my therapy clients. Psychotherapy is meant to address the mental health needs of not only the people who seek it, but also of the society in which we live. In Justice Kennedy’s written opinion, he reminds us that homosexuality had been considered a diagnosable mental disorder until 1973 (and was not completely removed from the DSM until the mid 80s!). Just as Kennedy argued that the law must adapt to meet the needs of a changing society, so too must our understanding of mental health. In my opinion, both took too long to evolve here. As an intern therapist, I consider this decision to be a humbling reminder that we mental health practitioners must tirelessly work to serve all people who are being marginalized. Today, I am thankful that I have never had to practice therapy in a day when someone’s sexual orientation would be viewed as an illness. My joyful tasks now include helping clients integrate the meaning of this new marriage acceptance, grieve the too-recent days in which their love and identity were invalidated, and cope...
The Gift of Play

The Gift of Play

Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. stated it well in her article The Benefits of Play when she identified play as “one of the most important gifts” one can offer a child as, “play or free, unstructured time in the case of older children and adolescents, is essential to the cognitive, physical, social, and emotional well-being of children and youth.” Play is not only fun, but essential to healthy development. As a therapist, Walker’s article validates my focus on bringing play into therapy to support children healing from trauma, loss and life stressors. In addition I have personally witnessed the beauty of play bringing families together and strengthening bonds. Play is a gift that parents and caregivers can offer to children by simply providing free time or by entering into their children’s worlds through taking part in play. Reading the benefits of play for children is also a helpful reminder for adults that play, although it changes as we grow, is an important part of finding a healthy balance in life. It certainly made me stop and reflect, how have I played this week? image source This post was written by Amanda BenNaim, Registered MFT Intern,...

The Impact of Text Messaging

Text messaging had become one of the foremost means of communicating in society today. It certainly has its benefits—it’s quick, to the point, and instant. One can send off a text almost anywhere and anytime. It’s very helpful for making plans or sending a visual record for making plans (addresses or times to meet) and other exchanges of important information. However, it has been found that texting can also be detrimental to relationships, especially when it is used as a primary form of communication. Many people have explained that it has actually created additional strain on their relationships, mostly because of the limits of texting communication triggering anxiety. Misunderstandings, arguments or fights that have started or have been a result of texting usually must be resolved using either face-to-face communication or at the very least, a voice-to-voice phone call. With texting, because it is so impersonal (save the use of smilies, emoticons and clues like “LOL,” and tone like sarcasm or sincerity) there is so much potential room for misunderstanding—misunderstanding that might not happen if the communicators had been able to pick up on the lost social clues of voice inflection, facial expressions or body language. Imagine the difference between an texted apology of “I’m sorry” to being told and seeing or feeling the sincerity in one’s eyes saying it. Some of the appeal of texting has been to actually avoid these situations that can be painful, but the pain is part of the process: “The complexity and messiness of human communication gets shortchanged. Those things are what lead to better relationships.” Another problem that I can identify with...

The Biggest Factor in the Quality of Your Relationship

If you had to guess, what do you think would be the biggest factor in how couples rate the quality of their relationship? If you guessed ‘the number of disagreements or fights a couple has,’ that would be a pretty good guess, but it is incorrect. The most important predictor of relationship quality is whether each partner feels the other is emotionally responsive to them. By emotionally responsive, I mean: whether you feel your partner is attuned to, and cares about, what you are going through and is ‘there’ for you. In the following article, “Hold Me Tight,” Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT), elaborates on why this type of responsiveness is so important, and how the lack responsiveness underlies the distress that couples experience. One of the most important points that Johnson raises is that as human beings we all have a “wired in need for emotional contact and responsiveness from significant others.” This emotional contact, and the relationship bonds that result from such contact, are part of an evolutionary program that greatly enhanced survival rates in humans. If I become bonded to you, then your well-being is connected to my well-being and we will help each other in times of need. We ‘have each other’s backs,’ which makes both of us more secure. In turn, if we feel our connection with a loved one is threatened, our brains are programmed to respond with a feeling of panic. Our sense of security is threatened and often we react impulsively and defensively. For example, a wife comes home and her husband is watching TV....